The Abi Diaries

Ever since I was in elementary I am so fond of keeping a journal… okay…fine… DIARY. And it goes like “Dear Diary, ang saya saya ko ngayon magkakulay kame ng damit ng crush ko…” elementary?  It was really funny how tiny details can light up my whole world that time up to the point that I removed the “Dear Diary” part because I find it CORNY. Hello? I am growing up na kaya…“We went to Glorietta, Thank God! nakabili na ko ng orange dress for prom… I’m so excited” On a serious note, writing really saved me from the pangs of forgetfulness. Don’t worry it’s not just about my crushes and love life it’s more of realizations about my life.

I got this habit of writing and re-reading the past entries and recalling the feelings I have during the exact moment. As I aged the entries became less and the words became fewer and the happy feelings are no longer there. I just write for the sake of writing something. I have decided to stop doing the diary thing because I realized that I wrote very long litanies of anger, hate and pain “Dear Diary may girlfriend na yung crush ko!! >.< I hate him!” just kidding… I mean I wrote something wiser than that… I am complaining to God, to the world and to my diary… so what happens to me when I read all the sadness again? It’s a recurring pain.

What happened to the Abi Diaries?  What happened to the thankful kid? I grew up and the world started to make sense. It’s not always rainbows and cotton candies, prom dresses and happiness.  I need to do “big sister” responsibilities, experience heartaches, student woes, experience stress at work and breathe polluted air and get wet by flood water and other things that everyone experienced once or twice their lifetime.  I am so negative. I am so Ungrateful.

Well apart from my kontrabida façade, I am cranky and not really the merry type of person, but that was before when I was still wasting my time hating everyone and everything. Thank God for giving a pat (…or a bat) on the back that I finally made a conscious effort to change my mindset and to look at the brighter side of the picture.

Heartache to heartworks I’ve decided that writing brings out what is inside me, like a therapy. So I’ve decided to make a personal blog, keep a journal and write again to share my thoughts. I can’t promise that it will always be about happy vibes but I am sure that somehow it can touch someone’s heart.

Last year I posted this line from one movie that I watched for more than five times already “ MANIWALA NALANG KASI TAYO SA GOODNESS” as my FB status for 3 times as I remember.  It’s finding the good in everyone and everything no matter how bad it is. I know it’s hard but it shares the good vibe.  If we see the good side then we will always be thankful. I am so grateful that even if I am moody and cranky there are still special people who see the angelic face hiding on my snob default face. I am so thankful that God gave me the people I need and gave me to the people that need me. (“Lord bigay mo na din ako sa crush ko or siya saakin…”).  I am grateful that God gave me challenges to mold me to be a better person; the harder it is the stronger I am. I really thank the Lord for giving me 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th chances to turn my life around even if I always pray to Him “ Lord please last na po…” God has always been faithful to me even if I am such a brat and unthankful most of the time.  I am so grateful that God gave me the luxury of time, that I have the opportunity to share my thoughts and blessings. I am so grateful that God gave and still sustains this life that I have because I know that if He wants me dead right now then I’ll be…dead.  I thank God that He made me realize that I am missing a lot of good things in life and it’s time to appreciate and not hate.

What I am writing here is about honest gratitude that comes from my freshly healed heart or should I say still healing heart? It doesn’t matter the point is the words heart and heal are there. If you’ve been to a place of frustration and madness and you made a step to finally heal all the wounds and put vanishing creams over the scars you’ll know that “happy” feeling that I am talking about. Things don’t exactly work out as planned ALL THE TIME…but even in the darkest hours of our lives, God is still ever present and that should be enough to be thankful and hopeful for.

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