I am not really an artist by profession although I consider myself as maARTe. Painting and Drawing came into my life when I can’t find strength and words to put into paper.
“Bakit ka nanaman nagdr-drawing? Stressed ka ba? Malungkot ka ba?” my sister-from-another-mother asked me when she saw me putting color to the flowers I sketched while watching Vampire Diaries. “Wala lang, gusto ko lang mag kulay ulit nakakarelax lang…” I answered.But deep inside me I wonder “ hala oo nga noh?”
I am an emotional writer – writing has always been my therapy. I can’t write happy stories as if it is in my blood. I can’t start typing without thinking about something sad or heartbreaking (ang arte!). I love my pain (mas maarte!). It drives me and it pushes me to be better. I know some brains stop working when they are sad to the point that logic and being rational suddenly went missing. Don’t get me wrong that I find sadness in a different shade. It’s just that for me pain gives perspective. For some time I wasn’t able to write or say anything so I resorted to painting (and going to gym classes but that’s a different story).
Painting had helped me find me. It wasn’t about creativity or self-expression; it was about letting go and finding peace and calmness – colorfully. For the most part, painting worked well for me. I had serene moments and personal discoveries. I wanted to somehow contain this “peacefulness” and have it at my disposal. I wanted to feel good all the time. I just want my path to be easy, to be nothing but fun. Pride and stubbornness kept me away. Letting go doesn’t always come easily for me. I resist change. It is hard for me to accept that change is hard work and it requires a willingness to let go—OFTEN. I still have a tendency to think that when the road gets tough, I must be doing something wrong. It usually comes back to my thinking that I am in control of everything, but the truth is I am not.
Life is just like painting every stroke and each color matters because it makes the details. What I do can either make it dull or make it lively. I can make new choices, I can take bold actions, the difference is, I can’t control how life unfolds but the good thing is that we can always adjust and adapt to it. Sometimes a wrong stroke can be an opportunity to create a new masterpiece. I am still learning this valuable and difficult lesson. (I can be a slow learner at times.) It helps to remind myself that through some of my darkest moments, I have grown the most. I also learned that I needed to be good to myself when my journey gets rough. Remember, it’s the rough times, the painful times that will bring about real change.
PAINtings and heARTworks are good outlet of stress and negative vibes. Let’s take our pain as a great motivator. So I am painting and sketching again…but this time it’s not about having pain or stress but simply doing what I really want and love to do.